Joe’s Blog – Man versus Woman

Although I do not wish to disappoint my Blog Reader, I fear that this, my latest, may do so.

Until now, my topics have dealt with everyday issues that affect us all: The Common Cold, Hypnotism, Vampirism, Transformation of the Species, Military Intelligence, Space Travel and Martians. These we can relate to. My latest topic, however, will take us away from our comfort zone but nevertheless, it must be addressed.

It deals with the thorny subject of Man versus Woman. All men are aware that their sex is infinitely superior, in every respect, to their female counterparts. Mentally, Physically and Emotionally. To test the theory, I asked Genie, as an independent outsider, to design a few tests that I and Vicky, The Dear One (TDO) might undergo. The outcome of these should, once and for all, prove who is superior, Man or Woman.

Should I prove successful, it would only be natural to extend the result to all Men. Suitable laws might then be enacted banning women from, say, driving any kind of vehicle. Should TDO win, then everything would stay as it is, that is, men in charge, as they always have been since time immemorial. My Reader will appreciate that much rested on my shoulders, but I was confident of total success. This time tomorrow, no women drivers!!

Genie, as the Test Master, would administer the tests and act as adjudicator – his decisions would be final. I tipped him the wink and tapped my nose with my forefinger, all without being spotted by TDO. Genie, bless his heart, if he had one, responded in kind and I knew then that all was A-OK in the world.

Test One: Mental Agility.

Genie: “Right. Each of you has a pencil and paper. I need to know the answer to the following question: what is one plus one?”

“That’s easy. Now let me see… One apple plus another apple… That’s…um…” I used my fingers to assist my calculation. Not wanting to take any chances, I removed my shoes and socks, just in case I needed my toes for extra insurance.

“One apple plus one apple is… I get it! Two apples!”

I smiled smugly as I wrote down my answer. I knew that TDO’s mathematical abilities were akin to those of a primate whilst mine were simply…well…excellent. I submitted my paper and TDO did too, but minutes later. I almost had tears running down my cheeks, laughing at her pathetic efforts to calculate such a simple sum.“Correct, Master, well done. Madam’s answer is,” here Genie glanced at TDO’s paper, “10 to base 2 and 2 to all other bases. Excellent answer Madam. Madam wins the Mental Agility test.”

“Genie! What’s she blithering on about? What’s a base?”

“A foundation upon which an object stands is one description of a base.”

“So? A number is not a base!”

“Yes, Master. Let’s move onto the Physical Test. It’s arm-wrestling. Madam is half your weight and size so you have an opportunity of drawing level now.”

Arm-wrestling is my particular forté and thus far I have yet to lose to anyone. I was more than confident of success.

arm wrestling

TDO and I sat at the kitchen table and prepared ourselves. One elbow on the table, our forearms perpendicular, we clasped hands and took the strain. Genie would give a signal when both of us were ready. I looked into my opponents baby green eyes which was my first mistake. The steely gleam of determination I saw in them temporarily drained my confidence but I was equally determined not to be humiliated by a 140lb female weakling. That was my second mistake. I underestimated her ability of mind-over-matter: once she puts her mind to something, nothing gets in the way. I might as well have arm-wrestled the Eiffel Tower.

“Best of three,” said Genie, “ready…steady… Go!” A second later the back of my hand slapped the kitchen table. “Madam leads one-zero.”

Sadly, it was all over less than a minute later and I was the loser.

“Madam wins the Physical Test,” said Genie.

I burst into tears and bawled like a baby. I had let down all the men of the world.

“Master, by crying like a baby, has now lost the Emotional Test. Madam wins three-zero. Bad luck Master.”

Later that day, as TDO drove us down to the shops, the atmosphere in the car was icy. Genie sat in the back, sulking, because I had socked him in the eye. He had incorrectly interpreted the wink and nose tap as one of my many quirky eccentricities.

“Do you like my driving?” TDO wanted to know.

“My dear, you drive like an angel.”

“But you have this thing about women drivers.”

“Not at all. Seriously, I think they are far better drivers than men. They are less aggressive and far more patient.”

“So why do you go on about women drivers?”

“To tease you of course! Women are so easily teased! They’re quite as capable as men, but boy! are they sensitive about certain issues.”

As usual, TDO had the last say.

“I’ll never understand you men,” she said.

Joe Twead